I wish I could get over what happened in my head, like I’ve gotten over it on the outside. It wasn’t really that big of a deal, and it’s not like you were trying to hurt my feelings or make me upset. You just weren’t feeling it at the moment, and you didn’t want to force it. That’s understandable, and I can’t be bad at you for feeling a certain way and not being able to help it. But I was so proud of myself for actually working up the courage to say I wanted it, and actively sought it out…then I got turned down. It just sucked, so bad. I hate myself so much for not being able to ask for sex more and be more active when it comes to intimacy, so for me to speak up and just ask for it seemed like a big deal to me. I didn’t think you would say no, especially knowing it’s so hard for me to be confident when it comes to this. Blah. I’m afraid to ask again now.

I’ve been feeling so restless lately. I’m aching to do something new. Something different. Get out of the valley for a minute and just go be out in nature, away from people, technology, vehicles and everything else that seems to be cluttering my brain. I feel like I’ve been stuck in the same place for too long, doing the same thing day after day. It’s wearing me out mentally, and I need physical exhaustion to counteract it.

I really hate when you have to hold certain things back with certain people, because you know what they’re going to say is going to be shitty and judgmental. So instead of sharing stuff with them and getting it off your chest and talking about it, you have to stay silent and not say a fucking word because they’re such opinionated assholes. And you try telling them any differently, they don’t even listen or try to understand. Fuck those people.

I’m so fucking high and I just want to keep smoking because this is such an amazing high. Everything feels so good and I’m so light and happy. I want to smoke joints all day long, make love and just chill. But I have jobs and responsibility and have to be sober enough to function, so I can’t sit and get hella fucking baked. But it’s teaching me how to moderate and save my weed better, and it’s keeping my tolerance down enough to actually get high off one or two bowls. It’s so rad having a big bag of weed, but it’s smarter to save it and not smoke it all within just a couple days. I feel kind of grown up, saving my weed and shit haha. And I’m saving money for bills, putting it away and not spending it so I have less to pay from my checks. I’m even saving up money for gas and other things, which hasn’t happened for months basically. Everything is looking up it seems and it feels like there is some balance to our world again, which relieves so much stress off my back. Getting paid four times a month means we won’t be super late on rent or our other bills, and it means we can set aside money for winter and any other things. The months of struggle were harder than I had imagined they would be, so I’m not getting stuck in another harsh ass winter with no money to get us through. And I know Jason will help save money and set some aside from his checks, so next winter and after won’t be so damn hard. Live and learn!

Sometimes, I’ll surprise you. Most days you won’t know what to make of me. My mood swings, my attitude, and my sarcasm will leave you reeling. But some days, every once in a while, I will surprise you. I’ll leave notes on your bed, kisses on your cheek and forever on your lips. I love hard, I love soft, I love fast, I love slow, and some days you’ll want all of it. Some days you’ll want none of it. Some days you’ll want me to never let go, and some days you’ll want me to never come back. On those days, I will suprise you. With a hand on your back, a hand on your hip, a hand on your heart, or a hand on my phone. Whichever one will comfort you the most. I’ll ride waves of jealousy, tides of anger and monsoons of sadness until the waters are calm again. Mostly though, I will suprise you. I will love you, and I will surprise you.
Dec 4th, 2013. Found in an old notebook. (via delightfullydez)

I’m so excited to be working a lot again and actually making money. I’ll be able to put money away in the bank, not touch it and have it for winter so Jason and I aren’t struggling so much. And with Jason firefighting again, we’ll be able to actually pay bills on time and have money to do fun stuff with. Like hiking, camping, floating on the river and all sorts of fun stuff! Summer just brings so many good things, good vibes and good times. There isn’t as much stress, hardship and struggle like there is in the winter and there’s so much more to do. I love it. I can’t wait for the first of the month to hit, when my second job actually kicks in and I start getting paid four times a month. And not only that, I’m really looking forward to my birthday!