I haven’t posted on here in so long. I forgot about my little side blog where I could vent and bitch to my hearts content. Maybe that’s why my stress is building again, I’m not siphoning out all of my frustration through words and its starting to show. Venting is good for you, it keeps you sane and you don’t always have to vent to a friend or family. Sometimes just writing it all down in a frenzy of blurred words helps more than any friend ever could. You can say whatever you want and do it without fear of being judged or looked down on. Because it doesn’t matter how much someone loves you, they won’t always share your exact opinion and thought process. When you’re writing to yourself, for your eyes only, you can write all the dirty details, all the dark thoughts you keep locked up tight so no one will see.

Nothing is more freeing than unleashing your demons on paper that no one will see.

I absolutely hate when I’m trying to help someone and they know I know what I’m talking about, but they don’t listen. They just keep getting stuck on this loop in their head and nothing I say makes a difference. So I have to sit and watch as they slowly destroy themselves and not accept the life boat I’m trying to throw at them. But that’s life, you can’t force someone to listen to you and actually hear your words until they’re ready to face the truth. People need to make mistakes and learn from them before they’re able to actually make a change and stick to it. I just wish I could help her get there faster.

I’m so proud of myself for actually starting to exercise and starting to take care of my body. I’ve been needing to do it for so long but kept putting it off and making excuses as to why I couldn’t do it. But not anymore! I’m determined to stick with it for once and push myself until I see results and then I’m still going to keep pushing. I won’t let this be one of those things that I keep up on for a little while and then just quit. I just can’t keep doing this shit to my body and not expect things to go wrong health wise. I need to be healthy and fit. I need to be conscious of what I put in my body and how I treat it. I’m scared I’m actually going to get obese and not be just chubby anymore. I don’t want to look back in life and be upset with myself for letting my health go because I was too lazy to actually put in the effort needed. I know it’s going to be hard and there will be days when I want to just cry, but I can’t give up. I need to do this for me.

I’ve stopped writing again. I don’t even feel the urge to write anymore. It’s just been work, work work and maybe some fun between it all. I’ve been stuck in the same pattern for so long now that I feel like there’s no excitement in my life anymore. Nothing keeping me on my toes and making me feel like I’m actually doing something worthwhile with my life. Sure things are going a lot better financially and we aren’t struggling as badly, but it’s the same thing day after day. I don’t like being home all the time doing the same shit, I want to be out doing new things and making memories worth remembering. So why don’t I? I honestly don’t know, but I’ve been feeling more and more discontent with my life and time goes on. I’m also sick of telling myself I’m going to change my eating habits and exercise more, but I never do. I just keep doing the same fucking thing over and over again. I’m starting to look at my body with disgust again and I really don’t know what it’s going to take to get me to actually do something about it. I’ve always done this: gotten upset about my weight and vowed to myself that I’ll change it but I never do. What’s it going to take? I’m so fed up how I live sometimes that I almost hate myself.

I wish I could get over what happened in my head, like I’ve gotten over it on the outside. It wasn’t really that big of a deal, and it’s not like you were trying to hurt my feelings or make me upset. You just weren’t feeling it at the moment, and you didn’t want to force it. That’s understandable, and I can’t be bad at you for feeling a certain way and not being able to help it. But I was so proud of myself for actually working up the courage to say I wanted it, and actively sought it out…then I got turned down. It just sucked, so bad. I hate myself so much for not being able to ask for sex more and be more active when it comes to intimacy, so for me to speak up and just ask for it seemed like a big deal to me. I didn’t think you would say no, especially knowing it’s so hard for me to be confident when it comes to this. Blah. I’m afraid to ask again now.

I’ve been feeling so restless lately. I’m aching to do something new. Something different. Get out of the valley for a minute and just go be out in nature, away from people, technology, vehicles and everything else that seems to be cluttering my brain. I feel like I’ve been stuck in the same place for too long, doing the same thing day after day. It’s wearing me out mentally, and I need physical exhaustion to counteract it.

I really hate when you have to hold certain things back with certain people, because you know what they’re going to say is going to be shitty and judgmental. So instead of sharing stuff with them and getting it off your chest and talking about it, you have to stay silent and not say a fucking word because they’re such opinionated assholes. And you try telling them any differently, they don’t even listen or try to understand. Fuck those people.

I’m so fucking high and I just want to keep smoking because this is such an amazing high. Everything feels so good and I’m so light and happy. I want to smoke joints all day long, make love and just chill. But I have jobs and responsibility and have to be sober enough to function, so I can’t sit and get hella fucking baked. But it’s teaching me how to moderate and save my weed better, and it’s keeping my tolerance down enough to actually get high off one or two bowls. It’s so rad having a big bag of weed, but it’s smarter to save it and not smoke it all within just a couple days. I feel kind of grown up, saving my weed and shit haha. And I’m saving money for bills, putting it away and not spending it so I have less to pay from my checks. I’m even saving up money for gas and other things, which hasn’t happened for months basically. Everything is looking up it seems and it feels like there is some balance to our world again, which relieves so much stress off my back. Getting paid four times a month means we won’t be super late on rent or our other bills, and it means we can set aside money for winter and any other things. The months of struggle were harder than I had imagined they would be, so I’m not getting stuck in another harsh ass winter with no money to get us through. And I know Jason will help save money and set some aside from his checks, so next winter and after won’t be so damn hard. Live and learn!

Sometimes, I’ll surprise you. Most days you won’t know what to make of me. My mood swings, my attitude, and my sarcasm will leave you reeling. But some days, every once in a while, I will surprise you. I’ll leave notes on your bed, kisses on your cheek and forever on your lips. I love hard, I love soft, I love fast, I love slow, and some days you’ll want all of it. Some days you’ll want none of it. Some days you’ll want me to never let go, and some days you’ll want me to never come back. On those days, I will suprise you. With a hand on your back, a hand on your hip, a hand on your heart, or a hand on my phone. Whichever one will comfort you the most. I’ll ride waves of jealousy, tides of anger and monsoons of sadness until the waters are calm again. Mostly though, I will suprise you. I will love you, and I will surprise you.
Dec 4th, 2013. Found in an old notebook. (via delightfullydez)